Fitness Bread: Disastrous Desserts
by Puph 17
Summary: The Male Wii Fit Trainer tries to redeem his beloved creation, Fitness Bread, in the eyes of the smashers. Emphasis on tries.


**Author's Note**: Murphy is the Male Wii Fit Trainer, Carrie is the Female Wii Fit Trainer.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Super Smash Bros.

* * *

It was 3:00 AM at Smash Mansion. A lone figure slunk his way into the kitchen, bags in hand. This was it. This was his time. Time to prove everybody wrong. Murphy quietly set his grocery bags down on the counter, rubbed his hands, and got to work. He was about to wipe his failure from a few months ago away, the one that had gotten him banned from the kitchen. He had painstakingly revamped the recipe, overhauled the baking method for ease of use, and even taste tested the product himself. It was perfect. Fitness Bread had evolved.

But he had needed to come up with a way to ensure taste testing without being obvious. As such, the old form of bread had been discarded, so as not to garner unwanted attention from the closed minded. No, his greatest creation had adopted a new form in the shape of cupcakes. The disguise had been made complete with his latest innovation, the Fitness Frosting. It was genius mixture of sweetness and nutrition, combined with an extremely low-calorie count. It ranked among his finest creations. As he finished mixing the dough in the bowl, he pulled out several cupcake molds. Once the dough was finished, he poured the mixture into each mold, and slid them in the microwave. A necessary adaptation to avoid the time and tell-tale smell of an oven. He slid the first batch in on a plate and pulled out a new bowl, ready to make the Fitness Frosting.

Before he started, he paused, and reached into another bag. He pulled out an empty container for a generic grocery store brand cupcake. He'd thrown out the unhealthy abominations before anyone had the chance to actually eat them. It would be the perfect disguise for his new Fitness Cupcakes. He smiled in the darkness. This was going to work.

* * *

The next morning, Ness and Lucas sleepily shuffled down the stairs and into the kitchen. The scent of freshly brewed tea was in the air, as Peach and March sat in a corner, chatting about something over cups of tea.

"Good morning!" said Peach cheerily as she saw the two enter.

"Morning….." muttered Ness sleepily.

"Good morning, Princess Peach!" said Lucas with a little bit more energy. Peach smiled. Rosalina's influence on the young boy was absolutely a positive thing in his life. If only she could interest Rosalina in teaching some of the other kids the same manners…..

Ness's eyes suddenly came to life.

"Dude! Look! Somebody got cupcakes! We're having cupcakes for breakfast!"

"Say what?" asked Popo as he entered the kitchen with Nana, Toon Link, Bowser Jr, and Diddy Kong.

"We got cupcakes for breakfast!" shouted Ness excitedly.

"Dude! That's awesome!" shouted Popo. The kids crowded around the box.

"There's 10 of them! How are we going to divide it?" asked Bowser Jr.

Ness said, "Well, there's seven of us, so we'll each get 1. I'll split up the last ones evenly! We'll cut each one in seven pieces and we'll each eat three pieces! That way, we'll each eat get three sevenths!"

"Wait, how'd you get to that number? That doesn't sound right!" said Bowser Jr.

"My mom taught me math, and she's always right!" said Ness. "Trust me!"

Popo looked at him suspiciously. "You suck at math dude! You were complaining about failing that math test a few weeks ago, remember? I'll do the dividing!"

"Hey! I'm not that bad! They asked stupid questions on that test, that's all!" retorted Ness.

"Hey now! I'm the one with the sword! I'll be the one dividing the cupcakes!" said Toon Link.

"Oh, yay, Bokoblin gut Four Sword flavored cupcakes," said Nana saracastically.

"Hey! I'd use a proper knife!" said Toon Link. "I know how to use a butcher knife!"

"Yeah, and you'd probably split yourself in four with your Four Sword, and run off with all of the cupcakes, like you did last time with the cookies!" said Diddy Kong.

"Yeah, Diddy's right. Toon Link shouldn't cut up the cupcakes," said Bowser Jr.

"Aww….." grumbled Toon Link.

"Now, now. Why don't you each eat one and leave the others for everybody else?" said Marth.

The kids groaned in unison.

"All right…" grumbled Ness.

"Hey, it's not so bad! We get cupcakes for breakfast!" said Nana cheerily.

They all grabbed a cupcake each, and the impatient ones took a bite. They suddenly froze and nobody said a word.

Ness dropped the cupcake in horror.

"It's made of Fitness Bread!" he screamed.

"It's totally Fitness Bread!" gasped Nana, panicking as she promptly chucked the rest of her cupcake into the garbage.

"GAH! I already swallowed the bite!" shouted Popo in horror.

"Don't worry, Popo, its not made of poison," said Diddy, who had luckily peeled the wrapper off of his cupcake instead of immediately eating it.

"YES! YES IT IS!" screamed Popo in panic. He rushed to the fridge and started rifling through it, trying to find something with strong enough flavor. He eventually grabbed the mustard, and promptly squeezed half of the bottle into his mouth.

Bowser Jr. went to the sink and dropped his cupcake into it. He was sweating – if he hadn't thought to grab a glass of milk, he would have eaten the culinary abomination too. He then mustered as much fire as he could in his mouth and roasted the cupcake with all his might. He looked down and to his horror, the cupcake looked nearly intact. The entire wrapper had been incinerated, but the cupcake looked unscathed and even the frosting only had a few burnt spots. He stepped back off the stool he was standing on in horror. This was clearly a job for his father.

"Wait, Ness, are you sure that's a good idea?" asked Diddy, as Ness grabbed a tablespoonful of cinnamon.

"Better than the taste of Fitness Bread!" shouted Ness before downing the tablespoon.

"You know, I think the flavor is not as bad as the last batch," said Toon Link, before spitting out his bite. After a moment of contemplation, he said, "The aftertaste is a lot worse though. Glad Granny made me this!" He pulled out a bottle of soup.

"What is it?" asked Lucas.

"Reduced fish broth from 25 fish heads! Nothing in the world has a stronger taste, not even Fitness Bread!"

"Can…..can you share some with me?" asked Lucas, pleadingly.

"Me too!" said Nana.

Toon Link nodded and grabbed two cups. He poured fish broth into each of the cups until it was evenly divided. Lucas took a small sip. It was by far the fishiest thing he'd ever tasted, and it was incredibly salty too. Still, it beat Fitness Bread, by a significant margin.

"Uh…to not eating Fitness Bread?" said Toon Link, raising his bottle.

"Eh, good enough," said Nana. The three clinked their glasses, before gulping down the concoction.

Marth walked over and picked up a cupcake. He inspected it, curiously, before sniffing it.

"So, this is the infamous Fitness Bread…" he said.

"Don't eat it! It's horrible!" said Bowser Jr.

"Don't worry, I know what I'm doing," said Marth. "I am a connoisseur of food and drink alike. While many things that I consume are delightful, I have also had the displeasure of eating some of the most disgusting foods in existence. Whatever it may taste like, I am prepared."

"All right, suit yourself," said Bowser Jr.

Marth proceeded to take a bite of the cupcake. He chewed on it, thoughtfully.

"Hmm…what an atrocious consistency. It has truly a surprising complexity of flavor, even though none of the complex flavors taste good at all, either by themselves or in concert with each other."

Peach walked up and grabbed one of the other cupcakes. She took a bite as well.

"Hmm…..you're right. It's quite overcooked on the outside, while simultaneously being undercooked on the inside. And the dough is poorly mixed as well."

"Quite so," agreed Marth as he took another bite. "The frosting is also dreadful. It manages to taste incredibly artificial, while being sickeningly sweet."

"Hmm…I think I detect a hint of Hocotacian sweet pods in the frosting. I don't think they were properly processed. I'm tasting more of the pod favor instead of the sweet bean," said Peach.

Marth nodded, "I think I also taste a little Hylian honey in this as well. Again, poorly processed. I'm getting more of the honey comb flavor than the honey flavor."

"I must give the baker points for organic ingredients. But all the same, food like this is what gives health food a bad name."

"I couldn't agree more. This Fitness Bread is truly dreadful. Shall we go back to our tea?"

"Absolutely. I could use something to cleanse my palate."

The two sat down and sipped at their tea.

"Oh goodness, that aftertaste is quite strong. Would you pass me the sugar please?" said Peach.

"Of course. Though I'll take some sugar once you're done," replied Marth

The two added several cubes of sugar to their tea and proceeded to drink it.

"That needs more sugar, doesn't it?"

"Absolutely."

* * *

Murphy woke to the sound of somebody pounding at his door.

"MURPHY? MURPHY? WHAT DID WE ALL SAY ABOUT MAKING FITNESS BREAD?!" demanded Carrie outside of the door.

"Not to make it," said Murphy, rolling over in his bed.

"AND WHAT DID YOU DO?" yelled Carrie.

"I made Fitness Cupcakes. Revamped the whole recipe and everything! Totally different than Fitness Bread!" said Murphy with a yawn.

"THAT DOESN'T GET YOU OFF THE HOOK, MISTER! LET ME IN RIGHT NOW!"

* * *

A few hours later, Bowser stood at the bomb range with Bowser Jr.

"All right son. Let's try incinerating those cupcakes again."

"But Dad! I already tried! I can't do it!"

"Just show me."

"All right…" grumbled Bowser Jr. He took a deep breath and breathed out a small stream of fire from his mouth, engulfing the cupcakes in flames. When he stopped, the cupcakes looked fairly unscathed.

Bowser rubbed his chin.

"Well I gotta say, that looked pretty good, Junior. Good work on practicing! Let your old man take a shot."

Bowser stepped up, and let out a casual burst of flame, several times larger than what Bowser Jr. had been able to do. As the flames dissipated, Bowser's eyes widened.

"Eh? It's still there?"

"I told you dad!"

"Stand back, Junior. This requires heavy duty fire breathing. Watch and learn."

Bowser took a deep breath and unleashed a larger stream of fire at the cupcakes. This time, they appeared to be singed overall, blackened and burnt, but overall unharmed. Bowser glared at the cupcakes.

"Oh, it's on now…."

Bowser Jr. shuffled backwards, as Bowser took a step back and took several deep breaths, before breathing a massive torrent of fire on the cupcakes. The tremendous heat began to distort the air in the area around the target zone.

After nearly a minute, Boswer's fire breath died down, and the smoke cleared to reveal a charred heap of ashes where the Fitness Bread cupcakes once stood.

Bowser turned his head to look at his son.

"All right. If we get any more of these, you can call me. There is no shame in being unable to incinerate fire resistant cupcakes at your age."

"I…..I will. Thanks, Dad."

"Also, don't eat them. No cupcake should be that durable."

"You don't have to tell me twice…"


End file.
